Psychology Today
What’s Your Secret?
By Robert Goldman, JD, PsyD
Founder & CEO, Institute of Psychological Resilience
What if, instead of asking, “What’s wrong?”, we asked a different, more empowering question: “What’s your secret?”
Throughout two decades of working with individuals, families, and professionals navigating some of the most difficult life circumstances, I have found that asking this question changes everything. When I meet someone who has endured significant adversity—someone who has faced loss, failure, or profound uncertainty, yet still retains a capacity for hope, humor, and purpose—I want to know how they do it. What allows them to keep going? At the Institute of Psychological Resilience, we believe that understanding these individual “secrets” is the key to true transformation.
Shifting Focus: From Deficit to Possibility
Traditional mental health approaches often prioritize identifying problems: What are the symptoms? What is the diagnosis? What is causing the distress? While these questions are necessary for diagnosis, they tell only half the story.
To truly foster psychological resilience, we must shift our focus from deficit to possibility. We must ask: What has allowed this person to survive? What relationships have sustained them? What personal strengths have emerged from their trauma? A person can be struggling and resilient at the same time. Recognizing this nuance is the first step toward effective treatment and personal growth.
Resilience Is Not the Absence of Struggle
One of the most common myths about mental wellness is that resilient people do not struggle. The reality is that resilient people experience fear, grief, anger, and moments of being overwhelmed just like everyone else. Resilience does not mean you never fall apart; it means that falling apart does not have to be the end of the story.
True resilience is the capacity to adapt, recover, learn, and continue developing in the face of adversity. Sometimes, this means getting back up. Other times, it means asking for help, changing direction, or having the courage to realize that your old coping strategies are no longer working and that it is time to try something different.
Finding Resilience in the Ordinary
We often imagine resilience as something dramatic or heroic, but it is frequently found in ordinary, daily behaviors. It is the person who takes a morning walk, the parent who creates structure despite their own stress, or the individual who has learned to distinguish between what they can control and what they cannot.
Resilience is often built in these small, daily moments long before we realize we are building it. However, when we are emotionally activated, our thinking narrows, and we may react to situations based on fear or anger. This is where emotional regulation becomes a vital skill. By creating a small “space” between a triggering event and our reaction, we can pause to examine our assumptions, distinguish facts from feelings, and choose a more constructive path. This isn’t about suppressing emotion; it’s about using emotion as information rather than allowing it to be the sole decision-maker.
Your Path to Transformation
At the Institute of Psychological Resilience, we view wellness as an ongoing effort rather than a final destination. The goal is not to eliminate life’s storms—which are inevitable—but to develop the internal and external resources necessary to navigate them effectively.
Your past does not contain only a record of what happened to you; it holds a record of how you responded. Those experiences provide the clues to your resilience. By identifying your unique strategies and strengths, we can help you expand your window of tolerance and navigate future challenges with greater flexibility and clarity.
There is more to your psychological story than what is wrong. There is what is working. There is what you have learned. There is what you are capable of becoming.
So, what is your secret? Let’s find out together.
Therapists and Psychologists Commack NY
Institute of Psychological Resilience
Tel: 631-499-7500
283 Commack Road,
Commack NY, 11725